<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Live With It/Star Trek Voyager by UnknownFilters</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30053634">Live With It/Star Trek Voyager</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownFilters/pseuds/UnknownFilters'>UnknownFilters</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Death, Depression, Episode: s02e24 Tuvix, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Sad, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 03:14:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30053634</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnknownFilters/pseuds/UnknownFilters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Captain Kathryn Janeway has "killed" Tuvix. Can she live with it? Can she live with the ghosts from her past alongside the pain?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Kes/Neelix (Star Trek)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Choices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager kept her composure, by a sere miracle, as she walked out of sickbay. She pushed down the overwhelming guilt, sadness, and anger that threatened to control her next actions as she entered the corridor. She paused for a moment as she truly reflected on what she just did.</p>
<p>She killed Tuvix.</p>
<p>A tear ran down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away before the ensigns walking down the corridor could see it. They paused and refused to make eye contact, choosing to focus on the pad in front of the pair or the carpeted floor of the corridor as they passed.</p>
<p>She killed her friend.</p>
<p>She allowed her body to move to the turbo lift and swiftly ordered it to go to Deck two. The turbo lift jolted and moved upwards. Kathryn stared at the blank walls. Trying to keep it together for even a few more minutes as she exited into the corridor of Deck two and headed to her quarters.</p>
<p>She stopped as she passed Chakotay's door. The look of hurt on his face when she ordered Tuvix to his death was burned into her brain. She gritted her teeth and forced herself to step forwards and walk into her own quarters. Her blue eyes scanned the dark rooms that she called home as she unzipped her uniform jacket, then dropped it to the floor when she crossed the room.</p>
<p>She finally let herself cry.</p>
<p>She sobbed. Harder than she had ever cried in years for a good twenty minutes. She had curled herself up on her sofa at some point during her distress and quieted down to only large warm tears streaming down her face. She looked over her bent knees to see a familiar figure hiding in the darkness of her living room.</p>
<p>"Commander, are you going to stand by and do nothing while she commits murder? Mister Ayala. Yes, Lieutenant Paris. You. Doesn't anyone see that this is wrong?"</p>
<p>The figure speaks as if the scenes from the bridge were happening once again. She stared at the figure of Tuvix. Even though she can't see him, she knows he wants to live.</p>
<p>He wanted to live.</p>
<p>Captain Kathryn Janeway of the starship Voyager played God and now she had to live with it.</p>
<p>Could she?</p>
<p>She ignored the sound of a chime ringing across the room. She knew who it was and was in no mood to have to play pretend. He can't see her like this. No one can. No one ever will. She was the Captain, she had to be strong to the very end. She wiped her tears and grabbed her jacket off the floor before dropping it on her bed, then moving to the bathroom mirror to check her appearance as the chime rung again. She had to play the game of pretending for the sake of the crew. She had no other choice.</p>
<p>Her eyes were red from crying, and her skin was blotchy. She wiped her face with water and ordered the door to open. She heard the heavy footsteps of Chakotay come towards the bathroom. The light spilled out into the living room once the door opened to reveal the First Officer of Voyager looking at the Captain of Voyager in concern.</p>
<p>"Are you doing alright?" He asked softly. She nodded and dried her face before gently placing down the towel and taking in a deep breathe to calm herself.</p>
<p>"I am fine."</p>
<p>Chakotay sighed, in what Kathryn perceived was an annoyance from having to hear her say that over and over again. He reached forwards and rested a soft hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>"Kathryn." His voice said. She tried not to react to the shrivers that went down her spine every time he said her name. "You have been crying. It's okay."</p>
<p>Damn him.</p>
<p>Kathryn shrugged his hand off her shoulder. She never allowed the Captain's mask to falter. Her guilt morphed into anger. Anger at herself mostly. The rest was directed at Chakotay. She was angry he was so caring and understanding. She didn't even know why.</p>
<p>"You need to talk about this." Chakotay insisted as they reentered the dark living room and the bathroom door close, cutting off the artificial light and allowing the light from the stars to take over.</p>
<p>"I am fine, Chakotay." She snapped out. A bit harsher than she intended. "I will live with my choices. I just...I just need some time alone."</p>
<p>He silently nodded. Accepting her decision like a First Officer would do and silently left the room. The door slide shut and she buried her face in her hands that soon became wet with tears as her mind kept replaying images of his eyes. His eyes pleading to be allowed to live as she injected the hypospray into his neck to end his life.</p>
<p>---End of Chapter One---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Like All Good Things...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AN: I would like to apologize in advance if characters aren't acting the way they normally would. Thanks for reading everyone!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She woke up the next morning to an insistent alarm. She groaned as she moved are aching body and shut off the alarm. Every thought in her mind cried out to sleep. Just sleep and never wake up. She pushed them aside, as much as she hated it, she needed to do her duty.</p><p>As she untangled herself from her sheets, the result from having Nightmares all night, the memories of the previous days, weeks and months came rushing back to her. She entered her bathroom first. She brushed her long hair and stripped. Then went into the sonic shower for a good five minutes until she got out and put on her uniform and did her hair in her bedroom.</p><p>She felt like she went on autopilot. Her mind was occupied with guilt and shame. She occasionally stopped what she was doing at the sound of Tuvix's voice cutting through the room. Was she hallucinating? She didn't exactly care if she was. She deserved this. She was a murderer and had to pay for her actions.</p><p>She sighed and grabbed a padd off of her desk and started to skim through the engineering report that had been delivered early yesterday morning. She focused all of her attention on the report. Not daring to let her mind wander as she knew where that would lead.</p><p>She entered the corridor, and her body relaxed slightly at the sight of no one being in the corridor. She would have to face the crew soon, hell, she had to face her senior staff soon but those extra moments of just being alone made her feel slightly better.</p><p>But, like all good things. They don't last.</p><p>A Lieutenant walked down the corridor. She focused on the padd and out of the corner of her eye she swore she was fear in the Lieutenant's eyes. It was only for a moment as the young Lieutenant nodded in "respect" as he passed or because he was afraid of her.</p><p>"They must think I am a monster." Kathryn thought as she headed to the turbo lift. Only making her mood worse. She slipped on the last layer of her Captain's mask as the turbo lifted and the doors opened to the bridge. The friendly banter that usually accompanied the senior staff when they were all on duty on the bridge came to an abrupt halt.</p><p>Kathryn could feel the tension in the room as Ensign Harry Kim straightened up and announced her arrival. </p><p>"Captain on the bridge."</p><p>Everyone either looked towards her, trying to read her emotions. (Which they wouldn't get any luck in because this is Captain Janeway we are talking about.) or looked down at their consoles. Refusing to look up.</p><p>She sat a bit straighter as Chakotay glanced over to her direction with concern dancing in his eyes before he looked back at the padd in front of him. Kathryn's eyes drifted to the door of the briefing room where mere days ago Tuvix was trying to defend his life.</p><p>"Begging your pardon, Captain, it's my life. Isn't it my decision?" His voice echoed in her mind.</p><p>"Aren't there two other lives to consider here? What about Tuvok and Neelix? Two voices that we can't hear right now. As Captain, I must be their voice, and I believe they would want to live." Her cold response that day bounced in her head.</p><p>"But they are living in a way, inside me." Tuvix's argued.</p><p>"It's not the same and I think you'd agree with me. They have families, friends, people who love them and miss them and want them back, just as I do."</p><p>"But restoring their lives means sacrificing mine. Captain, what you're considering is an execution. An execution, like they used to do to murderers centuries ago. And I've committed no crime at all."</p><p>Why did he have to be right? Why couldn't he be wrong, just that once?</p><p>She took in a deep breathe as her emotions threatened to overtake her. She felt the familiar presence of the darkness that lived inside of her for years. It had become a sort of friend. A friend that never lied to her. A friend that never betrayed her. A friend that couldn't die. She abruptly stood up from her chair, much to the surprise of Chakotay and a few others.</p><p>"I am going to my ready room. Commander Chakotay is in charge." She snapped before hurrying to her ready room, refusing to look at Tuvok, who had raised an eyebrow in her direction, as she passed.</p><p>She entered her ready room and immediately turned all of the lights off and slumped to her couch. She pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned as a strong headache started to build up. She rested her head on the back of the sofa and closed her eyes in an effort to relax.</p><p>Her imagination had other ideas.</p><p>His eyes. His pleading eyes stared back at her with fear, anger and silent acceptance of her decision were there. Torturing her with the last few days of conversation they had concerning how to get Tuvok and Neelix back. The pain was mentally killing her. She needed something. Anything to block out her pain.</p><p>She looked over to the replicator and considered getting a bottle of red wine to impair her thoughts so that she could be free, for even a few minutes from the pain. But she quickly shot that down and reminded herself that she was a Starfleet Captain. Starfleet Captains don't succumb to their emotional pain. Starfleet Captains don't get drunk on the job.</p><p>She jumped at the sound of a chime ringing in the room. She straightened her posture and crossed the room to her desk as she ordered the computer to turn up the lights. The computer listened and followed her order as she slipped into her chair and picked up the nearest padd.</p><p>"Come in."</p><p>Chakotay walked in holding a padd. His face reflected concern and sympathy. She didn't need it. She didn't need people pitying her. She needed them to do their damn jobs. She controlled her anger and took the padd from his hands.</p><p>"The crew have requested having a funeral from Mr. Tuvix." He explained as Kathryn read over the padd as quickly as she could before setting it down and nodding towards him.</p><p>"That sounds like a wonderful idea. We will have it tomorrow at a time your choosing." Kathryn replied and then looked back at the padd she was previously reading. Chakotay opened his mouth as if to have something more to say. But hesitated and decided it wasn't the right time.</p><p>"Thank you, Captain." He said softly and left the room.</p><p>---</p><p>Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres growled as she yanked an EPS relay out of the hole in the wall of engineering with her Klingon strength. She slumped to the floor from exhaustion and wiped the sweat from her brow. She briefly looked over the broken relay, wondering how it got to such a state. But that was a mission for another time. She needed to replace it now.</p><p>She turned away from the broken relay and engineering kit in front of her to look to her left where she placed a spare one before she underwent the project. Then paused when she saw Starfleet issue boots standing beside the relay. She looked up and saw Chakotay smiling down at her.</p><p>"Hello, B'Elanna. Rough day so far?" He said. She gritted her teeth and snatched the relay before turning back to the wall and grabbing another one of her tools.</p><p>"I am a little busy right now, as you can see." She snapped as she worked with her tool. Briefly flinching when a few sparks flew from the conduit from her work but quickly resumed. "Are you here for something or to just watch me work?"</p><p>"I have come to request that you hand your reports over to me. At least for the next few days." Chakotay said. B'Elanna stopped and looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>"I am trying to lighten the Captain's workload." He said with a tone she easily recognized. She wiped her hands on her uniform and got up from the floor.</p><p>"You are concerned about her." B'Elanna pointed out. "Why?"</p><p>"She was more affected by Tuvix's death than anyone, B'Elanna." Chakotay pointed out and briefly looked around Engineering to make sure they weren't overheard. "She is taking it harder than she is letting on."</p><p>B'Elanna rolled her eyes and scoffed, then sank back down to the ground to continue her work.</p><p>"Of course she is, Chakotay. She is the Captain. Let's not forget that she basically killed-"</p><p>Chakotay glared at her. Holding his hand up slightly to silence her.</p><p>"Don't finish that sentence, B'Elanna. She did what she had to do." He said.</p><p>"She did what she believed was right at the time. At the time, it seemed like the right thing to do. That doesn't mean it overall was. It doesn't change the fact that Tuvix died at the Captain's orders, and by the gossip running around the ship, at her own hand."</p><p>Chakotay cringed. He saw the point that B'Elanna was trying to make.</p><p>"She will get through this. Like she does every time. Yes. She will pull back for a few days but with one good push from a friend, she will bounce right back like she always does. Give her time."</p><p>"This isn't like those other times, B'Elanna. This time I can't convince her she wasn't the bad person in the situation. The reality is that she was. No matter her intentions." Chakotay argued. B'Elanna stayed silent for a moment as she adjusted the conduit and with a grunt, slid the relay into place. Then, pulled back and shook her head.</p><p>"What do you want me to say, Chakotay? That I was OK with what she did? I can't lie to you. I am not. She has to live with her actions just like I have to live with my actions for killing Cardassians." B'Elanna replied. Refusing to look up at Chakotay's grief-stricken face. "I know you have...Strong feelings for her. But don't let them blind you from the truth. She screwed up. Badly. Now she has to live with it."</p><p>Chakotay silently nodded. B'Elanna packed up her kit and got up.</p><p>"I have to go now. The systems on this ship need fixing all the time, as you know. See you later." She said. She patted him on the shoulder and marched off.</p><p>---End of Chapter Two---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Close Your Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been two days since his death.</p><p>"Kes, I need your help. I've just come from the Captain, and she's thinking about forcing me to go through with the separation. If anybody can make a difference, Kes, it's you. She'll listen to you. We've helped each other through this and I know that you care about what happens to me. Please, Kes, you may be my only hope."</p><p>Kes closed her eyes and slide down the wall in her quarters to the carpeted floor. She opened them to looked through the window at the stars twinkling in the darkness. She couldn't help but feel that she let Tuvix down. She chickened out. She loved Neelix and missed Tuvok too much to let their lives end so suddenly.</p><p>She had gone to the Captain. A woman she considered like a second mother and expressed her concerns. The Captain smiled and shared a personal experience that made her feel much better before a well-needed hug. She left the Captain's quarters that night feeling happy. </p><p>The next day she went to the holodeck to apologize for being so distant to Tuvix. Really, who could blame her? The man she loved was fused with a man who she considered a teacher and a friend. Little did she know that the Doctor had come to a conclusion on how to bring Tuvok and Neelix back. He just needed time to confirm his theory.</p><p>Then the next day the Doctor came back with his finds in sickbay. That is when, after the excitement of getting the two officers died down a little, that Tuvix revealed that he didn't want to die. He had become an individual. Who didn't want to die. Later that night they had dinner as a way of Kes trying to reach out and finally accept him as a friend, despite his uncertain demise on the horizon.</p><p>He asked for her help. Help to keep him alive and fight his case because they were friends. Kes agreed, of course out of guilt. The more time she spent with Tuvix, the more she missed Neelix and Tuvok to the point that her heart physically hurt. She pushed it down and told him she would. Despite what her heart was feeling.</p><p>Later the next morning, she went to the Captain to defend his case. She was determined to make sure that he lived. Yet, as she pressed the button to be let into her ready room, she realized she couldn't do it. The Captain permitted her to enter and she stepped inside. All of her conflicting emotions bubbled to the surface to the point where she couldn't stop herself from crying.</p><p>"Captain, Tuvix has asked me to speak to you on his behalf. But I can't."</p><p>"He shouldn't have put you in the middle of this." The Captain's soft voice said as the scene of her getting up from her desk in the ready room and slowly approaching her. Kes could even feel the tears running down her cheeks.</p><p>"But I am in the middle. I have been since the moment of the accident. I don't know how to say goodbye to Neelix and Tuvok. I know this sounds horrible, and I feel so guilty for saying it, and Tuvix doesn't deserve to die, but I want Neelix back."</p><p>She tightened her body and brought her knees to her chest as she craved the hug that the Captain had given her. The Captain had always had a way of making her feel better and hopeful even in the worst of situations. It was at that moment that she realized she really did have tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. She wiped them away and spent a few more minutes gazing up at the stars from her place on the floor.</p><p>"Computer." She said softly. "What time is it?"</p><p>"The time is 1900 hours."</p><p>She sighed and felt like she wanted to just melt away. She was tired. Exhausted even. She had spent the day helping Neelix and the Doctor. Now she had to go back to the messhall to help prepare dinner for the crew. She had always found a way to look on the bright side but at that very moment. There was no bright side.</p><p>"Neelix to Kes."</p><p>Neelix had been back for two days and yet every time she heard his voice, her heart jumped a little as if it was the first him she heard in months. Yet, every time she looked at him, every time she looked at Tuvok, all she could see was her friend Tuvix. Kes pushed down her guilt and tapped her combadge. Trying to sound like her normal bright self.</p><p>"Sorry, Neelix. I...I am just finishing up a report for the Captain. I will be down there in a few minutes." She said. She wasn't exactly lying either. She glanced at the padd laying a few feet away from her. Filled with information the Captain needed about the food situation in the cargo bay.</p><p>"It's alright, sweety. Take your time." Neelix said with a bright cheerful voice. "Are...Are you alone right now?"</p><p>Kes was surprised at that question, Neelix almost sounded...Scared? No. That can't be it.</p><p>"Yes...Why?" Kes carefully asked. Unsure if she even wanted to know the answer.</p><p>"Have you see the Captain since...The incident?"</p><p>The incident. That is what the crew decided to call the tragic events leading up to and during Tuvix's death. It has basically separated the crew. Within hours of news spreading about what happened on the bridge and someone leaking information and a security video from sickbay when the Captain separated Tuvix (I think we can all guess who.), the crew became divided. Half believed that the Captain had no right to end Tuvix's life. The other half believed it was her only option and that she didn't actually "kill" him. </p><p>Then there were the select few, like Kes, Neelix, Harry and a few others that didn't know what to think. They were loyal to the Captain to the very end, were very happy to have Neelix and Tuvok back but missed Tuvix terribly. They couldn't come to a conclusion on whether or not it actually was murder.</p><p>Kes considered her trips around the ship and conversations she heard in the messhall.</p><p>"Not that I remember...I haven't actually seen her since then. But I know she has been working on the bridge for the last few days. Maybe we will see her during the funeral?"</p><p>She heard Neelix sighed as if he was in deep thought. She briefly heard the noises from the messhall of chattering people. Probably discussing the incident. It was a very popular subject these days.</p><p>"Neelix, are you OK?" Kes finally asked after a few minutes of silence from her partner.</p><p>"I will be, Kes." He said with a little less convincing tone than he probably intended.  Then he mumbled another few phrases that Kes barely caught. "I don't know if the Captain will be."</p><p>Kes opened her mouth to respond with something positive but her mind couldn't think of anything useful.</p><p>"I-I have to go, Neelix. See you in three hours." She stammered finally. "Kes out."</p><p>She sat in silence, fiddling with a tiny part of the carpet that had become loose against the wall. She looked up at the silent stars, wishing for council when she knew she wasn't going to get many. Normally, she would go to Tuvok. But she wasn't quite ready for that yet.</p><p>---</p><p>Captain Kathryn Janeway pressed her forehead against the cold wall of her quarters. The lights were off like they always were these days. She inhaled and exhaled deep breathes to control her temper. She had these moments before, as much as she hated to admit it. She had to deal with dark thoughts of causing herself pain to just make them go away more often than she would admit.</p><p>She wasn't crying. She was gritting her teeth in anger. She wanted to punch something. Anything. She had considered going to the holodeck to blow off some of the anger but it didn't feel...Real. She had to keep it together. Just for two more hours. One more hour until the funeral. Stay thirty minutes. Wait another thirty minutes in case Chakotay feels the need to talk. Then she can do it.</p><p>She knew Chakotay loved her. Why? She had no idea. Especially after what she did to Tuvix. She loved him too. But if she let him close it would only lead to disaster. He didn't need that sort of pain in his life. She lightly punched the wall. Leaving no bruising, hoping that it would provide a little bit of the tension to leave her body.</p><p>Her anger got worse. The tension got worse.</p><p>She swore. Over and over at herself. She needed to keep it together.</p><p>She punched the wall again. This time a bit harder. Then again. And again. She couldn't stop herself even if she wanted to. She screamed in rage as her fists hit the wall head-on. Leaving bloody knuckles and bruises in its wake. She flexed her hands and cringed at the pain. The pain made her feel better. But now she would have to hide it. That is exactly why she wanted to wait until two hours later.</p><p>She quickly entered her bathroom and pulled out a secret dermal regenerator she kept hidden for incidents like that. She ran it across her hands. She wasn't the most skilled at it, by far. But she was trained enough to get the job done so that they weren't noticeable. She flexed her hand again. Her skin felt tight from being repaired but still hurt. Good. </p><p>The pain would block out some of her darker thoughts for a while. She took more deep breathes and finally opened her eyes to look at herself in the mirror. She had dark circles under her eyes and honestly didn't look too healthy based on how thin she had become and how pale her skin was. </p><p>She cared enough to cover up what she could with make-up. She looked herself over in the mirror again as she finished her hair and straightened her dress uniform that she had put on earlier.</p><p>Everything was going to work out fine...Like they always do.</p><p>Then why can't she make herself truly believe that?</p><p>---End of Chapter Three---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. The Funeral</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Tuvix was our friend and a good officer. He will forever live on in our hearts." Captain Janeway said as she stood at the end of the messhall. Anyone who was off duty at the time was in the room. She kept her head high as some of the crew gave her looks of hatred, of anger. She knew she deserved it but now was not the time for self-pity.</p><p>"Release the pod."</p><p>The empty pod, which would usually contain the body of the deceased, was ejected from the ship. Everyone turned to one of the windows in the messhall to watched as it disappeared in the darkness of space. She turned to face the crew once again. Fear gripped her heart for a moment as in the very back of the room, past the expressions of sympathy, sadness and anger she saw three-figures staring back at her with dead expressions.</p><p>Her father, her former fiance Justin and Lieutenant Tuvix.</p><p>When her father and fiance died she saw them for months after the "accident." Sometimes they would talk to her, other times they would just silently watch her. Silently blaming her for their deaths. When Voyager was thrown into the Delta Quadrant she would sometimes see the members of her dead crew after a particularly hard day or from exhaustion from lack of sleep.</p><p>She had barely slept in the last three days. It must be happening from exhaustion. The crew started to spread out and move into little groups. Discussing Tuvix's life and other things. Kathryn stood still. Trying to not focus on the three people she killed in the back of the room.</p><p>"Captain?"</p><p>Kathryn turned to look at Chakotay who had been silently standing behind her the entire time. For that, she was very thankful. Yet her heart hurt looking at him. Would she one day be the reason he dies? No. She forced herself to not spiral down that loophole and gave him a small smile.</p><p>"Yes, Commander?"</p><p>"The crew are having an extra celebration in the holodeck after the reception. Do you want to go?"</p><p>She shook her head. Chakotay's smile faltered slightly.</p><p>"Sorry, Chakotay. I have work to do." She quickly apologized. "Besides. When the crew are around me they are uptight. They deserve to let loose and not worry about looking bad while I am there. It's for the best."</p><p>Chakotay didn't quite believe that explanation but it was true. He knew she was doing her best to avoid the crew even though she never said it out loud.</p><p>She moved to the exit of the messhall as Chakotay went and joined B'Elanna, Tom and Harry in their own conversation. She stopped in alarm when she felt the tight grip grab her. She turned to see an angry Ensign. A former Maquis officer, one of the officers that worked in deck 15. He growled in rage.</p><p>"You murderer."</p><p>His voice rang across the messhall. Some of the crew gasped in shock as they took in the scene. Tuvok and Chakotay moved to protect the Captain but she signalled them that she could handle it.</p><p>"Ensign. Let go."</p><p>He increased his grip. Digging his nails into her skin. She took a sharp inhale at the sudden pain and gave him a death glare back.</p><p>"You killed him. You knew damn well that he deserved to live. You could have found another way. You could have spent a few more days looking and yet you didn't even give him that luxury. How does it feel, Captain? How did it feel to become what you hate the most? A murderer.</p><p>Her reply stopped in her throat. She knew that nothing she could say would change how he felt. Instead, she reached out to grip his hand and slowly removed it from her arm. He was trembling from anger. Somehow that infuriated him even more and he lost control of what little resistance he had left.</p><p>Within a second, everything fell apart.</p><p>He swung at her. She blocked his blow and by reflex kicked him in the stomach. Causing him to stumbled away. Some of the Maquis, who deeply disagreed with her decision felt that it was an attack against the Maquis personally. Anger can make people do stupid things. Three of the former Maquis ran towards their comrade and to fight the Captain. The original Starfleet officers tackled the three as they got closer. The rest of the Maquis present decided that they need to protect the three officers currently struggling on the floor with five Starfleet. They ripped them off and started to fight the Officers. Friends became enemies within moments. The original ensign who started the fight looked around and noticed that Tuvok and Chakotay were distracted by the fighting. Each man trying to make sure that no one killed the other.</p><p>Kes had hidden in the kitchen and peeked out to see the chaos. Her eyes drifted to the Captain. The ensign stumbled towards her and slammed her into the wall, he only had one goal in mind. Make her suffer like she made so many others. His rage had blinded him from reason.</p><p>Kathryn didn't want to hurt the ensign even as he delivered a blow to her head. She hit the corner of the messhall hard. She groaned from the impact of his fist and the wall. Today was not a good day. He punched her in the stomach and doubled over. </p><p>Kes frantically looked around the room for Neelix. No one except her realized what was happening to the Captain. She knew that the Captain could have easily knocked the Ensign down but her compassion for the crew stopped her from doing that. Kes knew she didn't want to cause any more damage than she already had. But Kes couldn't let the Captain suffer.</p><p>Kes saw Chakotay and B'Elanna fighting off three Maquis and Starfleet officers. B'Elanna was swearing and threatening them as she delivered her blows for them to back off and stop the nonsense. She looked over to Tuvok, who was calling security as he casually held down one officer on the floor and two more were passed out in front of him. Probably from a Vulcan neck pinch.</p><p>Her eyes rested on Neelix and the Doctor. They stood in the middle of the room. The Doctor was shouting about the negative effects of fighting on their health as Neelix was begging everyone not to wreck the furniture as he didn't have enough rations left to replace them. But their efforts were in vain as she gasped when a Lieutenant backhand another Lieutenant, who responded by hitting him with a chair, that then snapped in half.</p><p>"Neelix!" She yelled. His attention snapped over to her in an instant. Followed by the Doctor's. She looked back at the Captain who was staring wide-eyed at the Ensign in front of her. She followed her Captain's gaze to the knife the Ensign was holding. Where the heck did he get that?! "Help the Captain!"</p><p>Neelix and the Doctor followed her finger to see the Ensign with the knife. The Captain was trying to talk sense to him but he was already past that point.</p><p>"I won't hurt you. But if you do this. You are going to deeply regret it." The Captain whispered. The Ensign gave an evil smile.</p><p>"You are about to get what you deserve. I have waited for this moment for too long. You destroyed our only way home. You have caused destruction at every point. You support the enemy and have forced me to wear this uniform. You killed my friend. You deserve every bad thing that you get."</p><p>The Captain's shoulder slumped and she nodded. As if accepting her fate. </p><p>"Captain! Move!" The Doctor ordered as they ran through the crowd. It caught the attention of many others and the fighting came to a halt. The ensign raised the knife and slid it into the Captain's stomach with one swift movement. She let out a soft yelp and hit the wall. Her hands were soon cover in blood as Neelix grabbed the Ensign and the Doctor rush over to Kathryn as she slowly slid down the wall.</p><p>"Keep pressure on the wound, Captain!" The Doctor ordered. Kathryn nodded but she wasn't sure she wanted to. The pain that she was feeling had completely impaired her thoughts. She was so focused on the pain that she couldn't focus on anything else. She wasn't sure she wanted it to go away.</p><p>Her vision blurred as the Doctor called out to Kes to head to sickbay. She closed her eyes as Tuvok and Chakotay finally managed to reach them. Tears were in most of the crews' eyes as the Ensign, who commit the hideous act screamed how much she deserved it all and was dragged away by security.</p><p>Even the ones who didn't like him very much felt awful. They were mad at her, yes. But they never wanted her to be hurt like that. Kathryn went limp on the ground as the transport got hold of her and the Doctor. They shimmered away to sickbay, leaving a very guilty group of people.</p><p>---Chapter Four---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kathryn stood in a graveyard. Look at her appearance from a nearby puddle as rain poured down across the landscape. She looked like she was twenty-five years old again. She was wearing the exact same outfit as the day the funeral for her Father and fiance took place. She tightened the long black coat closer to her body that hid the uniform of a science Lieutenant beneath it. Her hair was in a half ponytail that moved with the cold wind.</p><p>She grunted against the cold air and rain as she walked up a hill and stopped as a figure stood in front of a gravestone on top of the hill with a lone tree beside it. The figure was clearly a woman. Her curly dark brown hair with a hint of red, despite being wet, flew with the wind. Her black jacket and dress were pressed tightly around her slim figure and she was humming a childhood song.</p><p>"Pheobe?"</p><p>Her sister, the figure, turned her head slightly.</p><p>"Hello, Katie. Come."</p><p>Kathryn hesitantly walked to stand beside her sister, who was staring down at the gravestone of her Father. Admiral Edward Janeway. They stared down at the cold grave in silence. The only sound was of rain falling around them.</p><p>"Do you ever think that it should have been you that died in the shuttle crash instead of Father?" Her sister as with restrained anger. Her sister's fists clenched up.</p><p>"Yes." Kathryn admits. "Everyday."</p><p>Pheobe let out a sad laugh and looked at her.</p><p>"You are correct. You should have died that day. It would have saved Mother and me a lot of heartache. It would have saved your precious crew on Voyager. You bring nothing but trouble."</p><p>Kathryn slowly moved away from her sister, surprised at the hostility in her voice. She never heard her so angry before. Then in a moment, she was gone. The scene faded to the bridge of Voyager. She recognized the scene as it was just before the displacement wave hit. She looked around the bridge, trying to ignore the shaking of the incoming wave. No one was on the bridge except for Lieutenant Veronica Stadi. Her original helm officer before she was killed when Voyager was pulled into the Delta Quadrant.</p><p>Stadi turned her body with the chair to looked at Kathryn who was standing in the middle of the bridge with confusion that changed to sadness.</p><p>"Captain..." She said, nodding her head in respect. "What is death like?"</p><p>That caught Kathryn off guard. They were about to be thrown in the Delta Quadrant and that is what she asks?</p><p>"Death...Is different for everyone. No one really knows." She replied. Stadi nodded. Taking a moment to consider her words before she spoke again.</p><p>"But...I am going to die. Very soon in fact. My Grandmother raised me when my parents died and she told me that there were a heaven and hell, not the one like in the Catholic religion of course. I believed it, up until I was 18 and asked myself, what if nothing happens after death? What if we just faded to...nothing?"</p><p>"I...Don't know, Stadi."</p><p>Tears fell from Lieutenant Stadi's eyes as she watched her console at the doom that was approaching. About to hit Voyager within seconds. She chocked back a sob and looked at Kathryn, unashamed by her tears.</p><p>"I don't want to die. I didn't need to die."</p><p>The displacement wave hit hard. The bridge was immediately damaged by falling debris. Kathryn fell forwards and slammed into the ground. She felt one of her ribs break and she looked up with pain as Stadi's console exploded. Stadi screamed and the force threw her from the chair. Knocking her to the ground where she took one last deep painful breathe as an attempt to keep living but her injuries were too much. She coughed blood once, then closed her eyes and went limp.</p><p>Then screams. Screams of pain from people in her life that she heard die around her. She sat up among the damaged bridge the had alarms ringing and screams growing. She pleaded for it to stop. She pleaded for forgiveness. She closed her eyes and they started to fade. She opened them to still see Stadi's broken console with the broken bridge but her body was gone. Replaced by Tuvix's sitting against the console with his fingers together in a meditative position.</p><p>"I didn't want to die." Tuvix's stated as he looked at his hands and flexed them.</p><p>"I know." Kathryn replied with shame as she held her hand to the side of her body where she could feel the pain from her broken rib.</p><p>"Why? Why did you do it?" Tuvix's asked with eyes filled with sincere curiosity. </p><p>"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...Or the one." Kathryn replied. "Tuvok could have told you that."</p><p>"I know. But this seemed more...personal than simply following basic logic." Tuvix's explained. "Did I do something to deserve this fate?"</p><p>Kathryn hesitated before she answered.</p><p>"N-No."</p><p>Tuvix sighed and nodded.</p><p>"Ah...I see."</p><p>The room seemed to have gotten considerably colder within seconds. Tuvix simply stared back at her with a slightly tilted head as if waiting for her to make the next move.</p><p>"-When is she going to wake up?" A distant voice said, that she barely recognized as Chakotay's voice.</p><p>"I am a Doctor, not a miracle worker. She wakes up when she wakes up. Or do I need to remind you that she was stabbed yesterday evening?" The irritated reply of the Doctor's voice echoes across the room. </p><p>"Doctor!" Kes's young voice said next with some urgency. "I think-"</p><p>---</p><p>Kes was putting away medical supplies in the sickbay storage area when she heard the doors to sickbay slid open. She completed her task and closed up the room before heading back into the main sickbay area. She walked through the Doctor's office and grabbed her padd filled with medical knowledge. Usually, the Commander would be sitting with the Captain as she recovered but he went on duty a few hours ago. She decided it was her turn.</p><p>Then she noticed that Chakotay was indeed back with Tuvok following him. The Doctor was running some scans with his medical tricorder and closed it up before looking at the pair.</p><p>"She is out of the worst of it." He announced. Chakotay's shoulders slumped as some tension left his body. Tuvok stood as ridge as ever but she sensed he was also relieved.</p><p>"That is good." Chakotay replied with a smile of thanks to the Doctor. "When is she going to wake up?"</p><p>The Doctor rolled his eyes as he placed the tricorder on a small tray filled with other medical instruments and rolled it towards his office.</p><p>"I am a Doctor, not a miracle worker. She wakes up when she wakes up. Or do I need to remind you that she was stabbed yesterday evening?" He asked with clear irritation and glared at Chakotay. He opened his mouth to lecture him more when Kes noticed the Captain started showing signs of waking up.</p><p>"Doctor!" Kes said with some urgency. She moved towards the Captain. "I think she is waking up."</p><p>Everyone stood around the biobed when Kathryn groaned and the Doctor lowered the lights in sickbay. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at the faces with concern.</p><p>"W-What happened?" She asked wearily. </p><p>"You were stabbed after the funeral by one of the ensigns working in deck 15, a former Maquis." Tuvok coldly stated. Chakotay glared at him for the last point.</p><p>"Does it matter if he is a former Maquis, Tuvok?" Chakotay asked. Kathryn held up her hand slightly to signal for them to stop before they got into another one of their spats about whether Maquis were trustworthy. Really, she thought the crew had gotten over that issue but apparently not.</p><p>"Where is he now?" She asked as Kes helped her sit up despite the pain from her wound.</p><p>"In the brig." Tuvok replied.</p><p>"Confine him to quarters." She ordered. Tuvok moved to protest but she glared at him. "I am really not in the mood to argue, Lieutenant."</p><p>Tuvok nodded and left sickbay to carry out his orders. Chakotay moved to stand in his place and placed a hand on her shoulder as a way to comfort her. She moved her long hair from her eyesight and looked up at Chakotay.</p><p>"How is the crew doing?" She asked.</p><p>"The crew is currently...Divided to be honest because of what happened with Tuvix and the fight in the messhall. But they will recover. Soon."</p><p>"Good." She said abruptly. She looked away from Chakotay's intense stare. He was suspicious of her. He thought she was spiralling into darkness. She held back a laugh. He doesn't know how dark it can get. "Y-You should get to the bridge."</p><p>"But I-"</p><p>"Now, Commander. I will be fine." She insisted. There was that look again. That look that judged her. He gave the look, then nodded. Deciding it wasn't worth the effort to fight and walked out of sickbay. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Kes give her a concerned glance before she walked off to give the Doctor some time to talk with her.</p><p>The Doctor gave her a padd without explanation. She read the title. It was a medical report on her current injuries that the Doctor had to fix. She read down the list and stopped cold when she read one of the injuries.</p><p>Two broken knuckles on patient's hands.</p><p>Damn it. She hadn't done as good of a job as she hoped.</p><p>"Care to explain those injuries, Captain?" The Doctor asked. Being aware that she knew about the broken knuckles.</p><p>"I...Probably got them when the Ensign attacked me and I had to defend myself." She reasoned with a defensive tone. She slipped on her Captain's mask to prevent herself from giving anything away. He shook his head as he took back the padd.</p><p>"I asked eye witness if they saw you ever punch the Ensign back. All ten of them say you did not. I checked security footage of the messhall at the time of the attack. You may have kicked him and blocked his punch, but you certainly did not punch him. So..." Kathryn cringed as she had the feeling she wasn't going to like the next part of his explanation. "I went to your quarters to see if there was anything to explain if you could accidentally break your knuckles. I found a small part of the bulkhead was barely dented. I scanned it, of course, there were traces of your blood on the wall."</p><p>"What do you expect me to say, Doctor?" She snapped with hostility as to challenge him.</p><p>"Fine. I will be blunt. Did you purposely break your knuckles?" He said.</p><p>"Of course not!" Kathryn said. She shifted, becoming restless in sickbay. "Can I please go now?"</p><p>The Doctor shook his head, of course. Kathryn never wanted to strangle him more than she did right now.</p><p>"I am worried about you, Captain. I believe that you intentionally-"</p><p>"Whether I did or did not doesn't matter." She interrupted. Then lowered her voice to a shame-filled mutter. "It's not like you can prove it anyway."</p><p>"People care about you on this ship." The Doctor argued with more emotion in his voice than she had ever heard. "Why don't you ever let people help you?"</p><p>"I have demons, Doctor." She snapped with hostility. "They are my problem. They shouldn't be burdened on anyone else. Leave it alone."</p><p>His face betrayed many emotions but he eventually backed away as a sign of letting the topic go. But she knew he was going to keep a closer eye on her from now on. She resented him for it. Her eyes drifted to see Tuvix sitting beside her. It hit her just then that was on the biobed that Tuvix was sitting on when he...died. She felt like she was going to be sick.</p><p>"Alright. I will let you go back to your quarters. But you are off duty for the next week and no coffee." He ordered. She nodded as the feeling to vomit grew bigger and bigger.</p><p>"Yes, fine. Of course." She hastily snapped, much to the surprise of the EMH, who expected to have another fight on the matter like they do every time. "Computer, teleport me to my quarters."</p><p>The computer beeped in response and in seconds she shimmered away in blue light.</p><p>She took in deep breathes as she rematerialized in her dark quarters and stumbled to the bathroom. She dry heaved, as a result of not eating anything since the attack. She then collapsed to the floor and turned off the bathroom light. She didn't want to look at the shame she had become. Her father would be so disappointed.</p><p>She could feel Tuvix watching her from the entrance of the Bathroom.</p><p>"Please." She said softly. "Go away."</p><p>The silence was the only response she got.</p><p>---End of Chapter Five---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Questions and Concerns</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been four days since the funeral. Three days since she was relieved of duty. Three days since anyone but Chakotay saw her. Four more days until she could return to work. That is...If she can make it four more days...</p><p>Of course, she could. She was the Captain.</p><p>That excuse didn't make her feel better anymore. She sat on the ground in her bedroom. Finding that she didn't have enough energy to really even move, let alone eat something despite her stomach's protest. She kept her eyes focused on Lieutenant Stadi, Commander Cavit and Dr. Fitzgerald. They looked just as they did the moment they died. Stadi's skin and the uniform were burned and she had blood dripping from her mouth. Cavit had a gaping hole in his stomach were part of the bridge ceiling collapsed and impaled him to the bridge. Half of Dr. Fitzgerald's body was very badly burned. Yet they stood there, unaffected by their own pain.</p><p>"Just go away." She growled to the dead crewmembers. Dr. Fitzgerald scoffed and rolled his eyes.</p><p>"She almost reminds me of that idiot Tom Paris." He mumbled. Cavit nodded in agreement as Stadi glared at the both of them.</p><p>"Insulting her isn't going to get you anywhere." Stadi snapped at her superior officers. Cavit raised his eyebrow towards her as Fitzgerald simply ignored her and they focused back on the Captain. The room fell back into a comfortable silence but their eyes wouldn't stop watching her. Judging her.</p><p>"Kathyrn?" New voice. Chakotay.</p><p>Kathryn looked towards the doorway of her bedroom to see Chakotay staring back at her. His face illuminated by the stars outside. She tilted her head slightly and furrowed her brow at him. She looked back at the three dead officers. Stadi gestured her to answer him. So she did.</p><p>"What are you doing here, Chakotay?" She asked. Too tired to feel angry or annoyed about it.</p><p>"I ran your chime several times. You didn't answer so I let myself in to make sure you were OK..." Chakotay explained. "I can see I was right to be worried."</p><p>She pretended not to understand what he meant by that last comment.</p><p>"I am fine. You are seeing a problem that doesn't exist." She replied. Oh, the irony. Chakotay sat down next to her and stared at the wall. Where he saw just the wall of her bedroom, she saw three officers out of many that she failed and sentenced to death.</p><p>"The crew is worried about you." He stated.</p><p>"They shouldn't be." She said. "They should be more worried about not killing each other."</p><p>Chakotay flinched at what she was implying. She was right. The crew was heavily divided. But they still cared about the Captain because they knew she was a human being and had limitations just like anyone else. As much as she didn't want to admit it, Chakotay knew the crew were loyal to their Captain to the very end.</p><p>"It's not as bad as you think." </p><p>"Oh really? Then explain when everything fell apart during the reception. Did I imagine that?" She snapped back.</p><p>"Stop trying to change the subject. We are talking about you here, not them." Chakotay argued.</p><p>"I didn't ask you to come in here and interrogate me. In fact, I encourage that you go away." She barked back. Chakotay flinched again at the hostility in her voice. She wasn't acting like herself. That much was clear. "I am fine. I don't need help. I just need to get back to work."</p><p>"If I ask the Doctor what is wrong with you, will he give me the same answer?" Chakotay asked. Kathryn smiled, much to Chakotay's surprise and looked over to him with a chuckle.</p><p>"Doctor and patient confidentiality, Chakotay." She said softly before looking back at the barren wall that only Chakotay could see. Kathryn stared at the officers who seemed a little disturbed by what she said. </p><p>"Wow. That's cold." Stadi said.</p><p>"Playing with his emotions like that...I am almost glad I am dead to not have to deal with that sort of manipulation." Cavit said to Stadi.</p><p>"Why he loves her, I will never understand," Fitzgerald added with a wave of his hand. "With that mindset, she deserves to be alone."</p><p>Kathryn couldn't agree more. Chakotay was angry. He hid it well but he was angry at her. He was angry because she refused to accept help, she refused to help herself out of the darkness she let consume her life. For someone so strong, she seemed...a little weak. She gave up fighting her demons too early. Now they were consuming her and he didn't know how to stop it.</p><p>They sat in silence for a while. It was probably a good ten minutes before Chakotay checked the time and decided he needed to get back to the bridge for the end of his shift.</p><p>"I have to go now, Kathryn...I will see what I can do about getting to Doctor to let you back on duty sooner rather than later." He said. Kathryn gave him the first genuine smile since he came in and nodded.</p><p>"Thank you, Chakotay."</p><p>"You're welcome, Kathryn."</p><p>He left her quarters, leaving her alone in the dark with her demons.</p><p>---End of Chapter six---</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was pretty hard to write. I have had to rewrite it about five times, and writer's block hit me pretty hard. I admit, idk when the next chapter will come out because I have an idea of how the story will end but idk how to execute it. This is why I need my great readers' help. I need ideas on how to continue or else I am afraid this will turn into another canceled story, which I don't want because frankly, I like writing this story.</p><p>Also, I would like to take a moment to thank everyone for their support of the story. I was a bit afraid I wasn't doing KJ's feeling justice because, to be honest, I suffer from anxiety and depression and relied on my feelings from my own experiences to help me write this. I wasn't sure if I was making it too sad or making it seem like this isn't a serious topic.</p><p>Which it is. It very much is.</p><p>(READ THE NEXT PART OF THE AN AFTER YOU FINISH THE CHAPTER: SPOILERS AHEAD...I THINK)</p><p>This brings me to the point of this chapter. In this chapter, KJ and Chakotay will have a small discussion and you might be angry at KJ's unwillingness to let Chakotay help her. It isn't as unnatural as you think for that to happen. It is common for people, who are depressed, to reject help because despite how horrible depression is, it is also comfortable in a strange way.</p><p>Idk how to describe how it is comfortable, I only figured out that the reason I was unwilling to dig myself out of the hole I am trapped in is because of this sense of "comfort." That doesn't mean comfort is a good thing in this or any situation involving depression. It really sucks.</p><p>Also, when someone tells a depressed character that they love them, that doesn't mean everything is better! It happens to some of the stories I have read relating to these topics and it bothers me. I can say with full confidence that in my experience, whether someone loves you are not doesn't matter because if you are in a dark enough place, you won't be able to see it or you just won't care.</p><p>But, it does help. But doesn't fix 90% of the issue like those types of stories seem to imply. I would just like to make that quite clear!</p><p>Anyway, again, thanks for reading. Please give me some ideas, I am desperate!</p><p>-UnknownFilters</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Okay.</p><p>Breathe.</p><p>Just breathe.</p><p>Captain Kathryn Janeway had been on the bridge, back to duty for only five minutes and she already wanted to flee to her ready room to avoid the looks she was getting when the crew working the bridge didn't think she was looking. Especially the looks she was getting from Chakotay.</p><p>She didn't know how he was able to convince the Doctor, mere hours after their talk last night, to let her go back on light duty for the next week, then full duty the following week. She wasn't sure she wanted to know either because she knew the Doctor wasn't going to back down on his rules without there being a catch.</p><p>She was forcing herself to breathe. To focus on her breathing and the stars on the viewscreen. She could feel Tuvok's judging eyes watching her every movement as she lightly tapped the padd that she occasionally looked down at, it contained a report about the holodecks energy consumption.</p><p>Chakotay was now nervously tugging on his ear and trying to visibly not look over to her. Does he not realize that causes more attention to himself? </p><p>Reports.</p><p>That is the whole reason she wanted to get back to work. The number of reports she must have missed would be enough to distract her for days to come. She wouldn't need to punch the bulkhead if she was focused on work. She held back a smile at the satisfying feeling she felt of knowing she had a backup plan that didn't evolve her having to sneak around.</p><p>"What do you think death is like?"</p><p>She snapped her head towards the source of the voice. Her eyes grew wide as Justin gave her his signature smirk as he leaned against the bulkhead next to her ready room. She quickly focused back on the viewscreen. They were looking at her again. Her movements were too robotic.</p><p>"Are you afraid of death?" Justin asked, he moved from the wall and walked into her line of sight. Choosing to lean against the helm for support. "Or do you have a death wish...? That would explain all those dangerous missions."</p><p>She clenched her jaw. Biting her tongue to stop from lashing out at the hallucination.</p><p>"Are you going to answer me?" Justin asked with his ever-calm expression. "You always were too tense, Kate. Even in your sleep."</p><p>She closed her eyes and rubbed them with one of her hands. She opened her eyes again to see that Justin had disappeared. She let out a sigh of relief and relaxed against her command chair. Her "peace" was shattered when she heard fingers tapping the guard rail above her. She turned her head slightly to see Justin watching the viewscreen behind her.</p><p>"Pretending I don't exist isn't going to make your...decisions go away."</p><p>But it would make it damn easier to get through the day, Kathryn thought. She slowly stood up and turned to face Chakotay.</p><p>"Commander, you have the bridge. I have something...I need to take care of." Kathryn said. She quickly crossed the bridge as everyone looked at each other in confusion. She entered the turbo lift and it closed shut. She let out a sigh of relief.</p><p>"Computer, deck 2."</p><p>The turbo lift moved and Kathryn pinched her nose in a useless effort to make her headache that was growing stronger by the second fade away. The turbo lift opened and she stepped into the corridor before stopping cold when she opened her eyes to see snow.</p><p>The snow covered the entire corridor as if the ship itself had been buried for years. She moved forward in robotic movements as she attempted to walk normally but the cold was seeping into her bones. It was fake. She was hallucinating.</p><p>She couldn't help but let part of her mind consider the possibility that it wasn't. That an alien, unknown to her and her crew was communicating their future telepathically through her. She stumbled into her quarters and hit the ground hard. Taking deep breathes as the cold slowly started to vanish and she realized what a horrible thought it was. She must be really going insane.</p><p>Sleep. </p><p>She got up and walked over to her replicator. She entered in an override command then hid her tracks before making a sedative appear on the tray. She quickly swiped it and grabbed a padd. Entering into her duty roaster that she was going off duty for the rest of the day and would make it up with a double shift tomorrow.</p><p>She pressed the hypospray against her neck as she walked into her bedroom. She took off her uniform jacket and curled up on her bed. Tightening the covers around her as her body, for the first time in weeks, relaxed and allowed her to drift into a realm of nightmares.</p><p>Kathryn woke up a few hours later, she wasn't sure how many but she found that she didn't really care either. She stared up at Chakotay, who was concerned. Again. Kathryn resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she reluctantly pushed herself up on her elbows.</p><p>"Chakotay? What are you doing here?" She asked with clear annoyance in her voice.</p><p>"I chimed your door a few times and you didn't answer. So I let myself in to make sure you were OK...Sorry." He apologized. Kathryn gasped and her eyes grew wide as emotions assaulted her. Emotions that she was able to mostly ignore from stress and lack of sleep.</p><p>She couldn't stop the tears from falling down her cheeks as she turned away from her best friend as she felt herself become more and more disgusted with herself. She felt Chakotay hesitantly put a comforting hand on her shoulder as she buried her face in her covers. Desperately trying to regain control of her emotions.</p><p>"Kathryn...Whatever is bothering you...It will get better. Somehow things just work out." Chakotay said. Kathryn's anger flared and for the first time since she woke up, she looked up at Chakotay was anger. Pure anger.</p><p>"No. No, they don't Chakotay." She spat out. "My father and fiance are dead and yet I still have nightmares about their death. We are trapped in the Delta Quadrant. My choices have doomed everyone I care about. I am sick. I am so sick of having to make choices for the sake of the crew." </p><p>Chakotay recoiled slightly in surprise at her hostility. She clumsily got up and ran her hand through her long hair. She stood next to her bed and looked out of the window at the stars. She flinched when she looked over to Chakotay and saw Justin standing beside him with an unimpressed expression.</p><p>"Why can't I just let them go?" She muttered in anguish as sadness radiated off of her. Chakotay stood on the other side of her bed. Desperately wanting to pull her into a hug and tell her she wasn't alone. That she was loved and didn't need to be alone anymore. Yet he knew, it wasn't going to work.</p><p>Kathryn wanted to tell Chakotay everything that was bothering her. She needed to tell someone, she needed someone to understand so that she didn't feel so alone. But...She couldn't. She wasn't going to unload on Chakotay when he had harder struggles than she ever had. He didn't deserve that.</p><p>She had done this to herself and now she had to live with it.</p><p>"Kathryn...Please. Tell me what is wrong." Chakotay practically begged. Kathryn Janeway straightened her back. Held her head high and straightened her uniform that she had slept in. Like a good Starfleet Captain, she didn't break under the pressure...Yet.</p><p>"I...I am just being over-emotional." Kathryn said as she slipped on her Captain's mask and gave Chakotay a small smile that did the opposite of reassuring him that everything was fine. "You are right. Everything is going to be fine. I just need...Time."</p><p>"You have had too much time to deal with this yourself, Kathryn," Chakotay argued with growing confidence that he could fix the issue by simply giving the advice that followed logic and loving her. "Let me help you."</p><p>"I am fine." Kathryn insisted. She pointed her finger towards the door. A silent order to make him leave. Chakotay, who had been worn down by being on the bridge all day and worrying about her, nodded and accepted her decision for now. He silently left without putting up a fight, which surprised Kathryn as Chakotay would usually argue with her more.</p><p>She took in deep breathes as she heard the door to her quarters close. She tried to control her temper and leaned against the wall. Trying to block out Justin as he scolded her for blocking everyone out. Her breathing exercises didn't help. She slammed her fists against the wall to release anger. </p><p>Leaving her knuckles red, bloody, and bruised. </p><p>Breathe.</p><p>Just breathe.</p><p>Okay...</p><p>Everything is fine.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Captain, but I cannot perform the surgical separation. I am a physician, and a physician must do no harm. I will not take Mister Tuvix's life against his will."</p><p>More wet tears trickled down her cheeks as she flexed her hand. Wincing at the pain.</p><p>"I will not take Mister Tuvix's life against his will."</p><p>She brought her back to the wall and slid down it slowly to the floor.</p><p>Everything was not fine.</p><p>She was in her own personal hell.</p><p>---End of Chapter Seven---</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>